Turn Around

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown." The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What`s wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I`d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I`m 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said `Turn around`."A bus stops and two Jamaican men get on.They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "emma come first. den I come. den two asses come together. i come once-a-more. two asses, they come together again. i come again and pee twice. then i come one lasta time." "you foul-mouthed swine, "retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don`t talk about our sex lives in public!" "hey, coola down lady, "said the man. "Who talkin` about a sexa? I`m justa tellin` my frienda how to spella Mississippi."Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I`m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn`t paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That`s OK, it`s a coincidence. I`m looking for my wife, too. I can`t find her and I`m getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and she`s wearing really short shorts. What does your wife look like?" "Doesn`t matter, let`s look for yours".The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank`s most important clients. After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank`s business relationship. So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara. The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have". One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France." The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build". Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet. Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis." The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can`t be found. So he drives the farmer`s Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: "I think I can get you out." So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my `thing` and pull yourself up." The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don`t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You`re crazy". The man says "I want a second opinion." The doctor says, "OK, you`re ugly too!""She saw me. She buzzed around me. She looked at me. She sat on me. She bit me. She sucked me. She swallowed. And then she just got up and left. Fucking mosquito!"Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents tried everything -- tutors, flash cards, special learning centers -- in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn`t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her amazement, the minute he is done eating, he marches back to his room without a word and in no time, he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day, while the mother tries to understand what made the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "no." "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms... what was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren`t fooling around."Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur`s court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen`s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King`s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen`s brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she got dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen`s voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen`s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King`s loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... Moral of the story : Always pay your bills.