Роберт Асприн. Мифтия невообразима. engl (фрагмент)

Robert Asprin. Myth-Ion Improbable (fragment)Author's Note: If this book is your first exposure to the Myth-Adventures of Aahz andSkeeve, there is no reason for you to read this note. Proceed directly tothe main body of the work and enjoy. If, however, you have been following this series for some time, someexplanations are in order. Specifically, as to why you are now holding thisvolume instead of the long awaited, long promised episode titled SomethingMyth I.N.C.. As was noted in Authors Note of the previous volume, Sweet Myth-tery ofLife (which was also late in being written), I have been going through somedifficult times in my life. Since that volume was released in 1994, much ofthose difficulties revolved around a five to six year death duel with theIRS over back taxes. The less said about that, the better. When that matter was resolved in April of 2000, I re-applied myself towriting the two overdue Myth novels, only to find myself in a dilemma. Thefirst problem was that it had been over seven years since I had written Aahzand Skeeve, and it was extremely difficult after that long a hiatus torecapture the style and rhythm of the narration and dialogue that had madethe series unique. To complicate things, the story I was attempting toconvey, titled Something Myth I.N.C.., was the most complex tale I hadattempted in the Myth series, as it not only involves multiple viewpoints,but also occurs simultaneously with events contained in Sweet Myth-tery ofLife.. After nearly half a year of wrestling with these difficulties a friendof mine made a suggestion. Specifically, why not write another, simplerstory first...something from Skeeve's earlier days with Aahz. That wouldenable me to relearn the Myth writing style, after which I could tackle themore convoluted story Something Myth I.N.C.. The result is the volume you are currently holding. Sequentially, itoccurs between volumes three (Myth Direction) and four (Hit or Myth). If theplan holds, it will be followed VERY shortly by Something Myth I.N.C.. As always, thank you for your loyalty and patience. MYTH-ION IMPROBABLE By Robert AsprinChapter One "Here we go again!" C3PO When my teacher/mentor Aahz grumbles or rants about my being stupid orhaving done something stupid, I make a big show of being apologetic, but itreally doesn't bother me all that much. I figure it goes with the territoryand is part of the price of learning magik. I mean, first of all there's the point that Aahz is older than I am andhas been around more. A lot more. He's an experienced dimension traveler, or‘demon' for short, and compared to his knowledge and experience I really amstupid and naive. Then, too, the dimension he hails from, Perv, is noted for it'sshort-tempered, hostile inhabitants. Other dimension travelers tend to avoidPerv whenever possible, and give the green, scaly Pervects a wide berth whenencountering them in other dimensions. To cap it all off, while he was once an accomplished magikian himself,Aahz lost his powers when we met (Another Fine Myth). Watching me fumble andstutter while learning what are to him some of the simplest, mostrudimentary spells, all the while being aware that, at least for the timebeing, he's dependant on me in the magik department, is bound to make him abit testy from time to time. I can understand and accept it when I do something he thinks is stupid.When I do something that, in hindsight, I think is stupid...that's anothermatter entirely. We were ensconced in the Royal Palace of the kingdom of Posseltum,enjoying my cushy position as the Royal Magikian, a job that Aahz hadcoached me through the auditions for. That is, Aahz was enjoying it. For himit was comfortable surroundings and a steady, generous salary. For me it wasliving in constant close contact with a grouchy demon who seemed determinedthat I practice my magik lessons night and day. Needless to say, this gets boring after a while. The few adventures Ihad been on since I had apprenticed myself to Aahz had wetted my appetitefor travel, and I was eager for more. Unfortunately, Aahz steadfastlyrefused to even start teaching me how to dimension travel on my own, sayingit was far too dangerous for someone with my meager magikal abilities. That's when I decided to try something really stupid. I decided to tryto outwit Aahz and trick him into taking me dimension traveling again. An item had come to hand that just might be the ticket, so oneafternoon when he seemed a bit bored himself, I sprang it on him. "Aahz," I said, holding out a folded piece of parchment to him. "Ithink you should take a look at this." Aahz glared at the paper in my hand as if it might bite him. And whensomeone from Perv glares, it is really something to see. "And just what is that?" "It looks like a map." I shrugged. Actually, I knew it was a map. While Tanda and I had been jumpingdimensions, shopping for a birthday present for Aahz, I had been offeredthis map by a beggar on a street corner. Since Tanda had been, at thatmoment, off talking to some sort of businessmen of that dimension, I hadbought the map for a few coins, thinking it would be a fun small gift. I hadstuck the map in my belt pouch, and then proceeded to forget about itbecause of all the problems with the Big Game three dimensions later.Actually, forgetting about the map was entirely understandable, since Tandaended up captured and our main focus was on freeing her. And the only way wecould free her was by winning the game. So forgetting the map wasreasonable. I had had enough on my mind. But today, while getting searching through my pouch for something else,I found the map. While I honestly didn't know what it was, I thought itmight be what I needed to bait Aahz into taking me dimension travelingagain. Aahz still wasn't about to touch the parchment. He motioned to thefire. "Throw it in there and then get back to your practice." "I'm done with my practice." I said. "You're never done with your practice." I ignored him and pushed on. "Besides, I paid good coins for this map." That was my trump card. If there's anything Aahz hates it's wastingmoney. He got angry with me every time my dragon, Gleep, tore up somethingwhile playing and the cost of repairs were taken from my wages. When it cameto my money, Aahz was in complete control. And by the way he talked, we werealways broke and about to go hungry. "A scam, I'm sure," Aahz said, turning away. "Just like you to wastemoney." I frowned. This was going to be harder than I thought. Normally, ifthere was any chance of making money at anything, he jumped at it. Then it dawned on me I hadn't told him what the map led to. "Aahz," I said to his back. He didn't move. Instead he just kept staring out the window at thecourtyard. "Aahz, you might really want to look at this. It's a map to a creaturecalled a cow." "So?" Aahz said, shaking his head. "Remember the last time we were atthe Bazaar at Deva? Where do you think that steak you ate came from?" I stared at him. I had no idea steaks came from creatures called cows.I had just assumed they came from creatures called steaks. Trout came fromtrout, salmon came from salmon, and duck came from duck. It was logical.Besides, there were no cows in this dimension. At least none that I had evermet. "Well," I said, glancing at the parchment in my hand, "this is a map toa golden cow that lives in a golden palace and gives gold-laced milk." Aahz slowly turned to stare at me, his eye slits as if he were tryingto figure out if I was actually joking or not. Then in two steps he was infront of me, snatching the map from my grasp. "So there really is such a golden beast?" I asked while he studied thepaper. He didn't respond, so I stood and watched him stare at the map. Thewriting on it was odd, actually. It didn't show roads, but more likedimensions, and energy points, and vortexes. Most of it I didn't understand,and almost none of the map had names on it, but there was a massive amountabout jumping from dimension to dimension that I didn't understand. Aahz had told me once there were so many dimensions, no one knew thetotal number, and it was easy to get lost and never make it back whenjumping from dimension to dimension. After my shopping trip with Tanda tothirty or forty different dimensions, I was starting to believe him. Finally he looked down at me, a frown on his ugly face. And when Aahzfrowned, which was a great deal of the time, he looked like an animalsnarling. His green skin and bright eyes and sharp teeth could be veryintimidating if a person wasn't used to it. Luckily, I was. "So where exactly did you get this?" He fluttered the parchment in myface as he asked the question. "Bought it from a man on a street corner," I said. "I think it mighthave been some beggar." "What dimension?" "Not a clue." I shrugged. "One of the many Tanda and I visited. Youcould ask her." Aahz frowned even more at that. "What made you buy it?" Again I shrugged. "I honestly don't know. I thought you'd have fun with it for yourbirthday, and the guy said I was the first traveler he'd seen in a long timewho might be able to use it and live to tell the tale." "Could he see through your disguises?" Aahz asked, staring at me. I tried to remember back to the day. I had used my standard disguisespell, and on that dimension, the spell had not been hard. Most of theresidents stood four feet tall, and had two feet. Compared to disguisingTanda and me as a slug on one of the previous dimensions, that had beeneasy. But the beggar had clearly picked me out of a crowd, and he seemed outof place in the short people, being almost five feet tall. I looked at Aahz and nodded. "Maybe. But I don't know how he could have." Aahz waved his hand in disgust. "Apprentice, there are a thousand ways, especially with someone sounpracticed as you." I said nothing. No point in even trying to defend my talents. Aahzalways won those conversations by making me try something I couldn't yet do.And that was just about everything when it came to magik. But makingdisguises was my best ability. Aahz spun around and moved back to the window, keeping the map withhim. He stood there, staring out over the courtyard, letting the silence inthe room just build and build. And if there was one thing I hated more thananything, it was the sound of someone thinking, without telling me what theywere thinking about. "So is there such a golden cow?" I asked, moving over and standingbeside him in the big window so he couldn't ignore me. In the courtyard below the window Gleep was running in circles chasinghis tail. Thank heavens he wasn't near anything, because when a dragonstarted chasing his tail, things got knocked down, trampled, and just flatdestroyed. Especially a young dragon. What was even more amazing was that Aahz didn't seem to be noticingwhat Gleep was doing. Clearly the map meant something to him. "The golden cow?" I asked again "Is it real?" Aahz slowly turned and looked at me. "A myth. There are a lot of them in the different dimensions." "You're kidding! You mean there is more than one golden-milk-giving-cowmyth?" Considering that I had never heard of a cow before today, I foundthat a little hard to imagine. I'm not sure exactly why I thought even onegolden cow was easy to imagine, but dozens of them were just too much. Maybethere was an entire dimension with a race of them. Aahz sighed. When he sighed like that, it usually meant I was beingextra stupid or dense. "Every tenth dimension has a myth about an animal or person doingsomething with gold. One has a goose laying golden eggs, another has a fishtouching things and turning them to gold, another has a duck with goldenfeathers." "One heavy bird," I said, trying to imagine the duck covered in gold. Aahz sighed again. "The feathers become gold when they fall off." "Got you," I said. "You ever been near or seen one of these goldenanimals?" Aahz laughed, his demon-sound shaking the room. If I had, would I be here, in this dump of a palace, with an apprenticeas stupid as you?" I had to admit he had a good point, but I didn't really want to agreewith him. "So that is a sham map," I said. "Most likely," Aahz said, staring out at the courtyard where Gleep hadnow managed to catch his tail. He bit it so hard, the poor dragon jumped andlooked around, startled. Gleep was smart in many ways, but not about his owntail. I glanced over at Aahz. When he said ‘most likely', and didn't look atme, it meant he thought there may be a slight chance the map was real. "Why only most likely?" I asked. "Because," Aahz said, "I saw a golden deer dropping once." "Deer dropping?" Again I had no idea what he meant. "Deer poop," Aahz said, his voice showing he was getting very tired ofmy stupid questions. "Deer turds. Deer crap. Deer excrement. One dimensionhas a myth about a deer that drops gold. I saw one of the droppings. And..." He stopped, still not looking at me. In all the time we had beentogether, I had never seen him like this before. "And what?" I asked. "And I saw part of a solid gold elk antler at the Bazaar at Deva." I was stunned. A deer that shit gold and an elk that had goldenantlers. "So the map might actually be real?" "I doubt it," Aahz said, glancing at it. "But you don't know for sure, do you?" He shook his head. "Not for sure." "So we're going to check it out?" He looked down at the map in his hand, then folded it and stuffed it inhis pocket. "I'll be back in an hour." He pulled out the D-Hopper and twisted it to a setting. Back before hemet me and lost his powers he used to be able to jump through the dimensionswithout the use of a D-Hopper. Now he needed the help and he hated it. "Wait!" I shouted. "You can't go looking for it without me." "I'm not," Aahz said. "And get that dragon of yours under controlbefore he breaks something again and we have to pay for it. Be ready to go.One hour. And the dragon doesn't come with us." With that Aahz was gone, vanished off to another dimension with a faintBAMF. By the time Aahz got back I had Gleep in his stall in the stables andhad arranged for someone to feed and walk him until I returned from whereverwe were going. I was standing near the foot of the bed in my room when suddenly theair next to me sort of went BAMF again. Not real loud, but startling when ithappened two feet from you. I jumped. Aahz was back, and he had my favoritedemon in the entire universe of demons with him. "Tanda!" I shouted, stepping toward the beautiful creature with thelong green hair and a body that could stop a parade with a deep breath. "Skeeve!" she shouted back, laughing. Then she put me into a hug that I hoped would never, ever stop. Nowgranted, it had only been a month since I had last seen her, drunk as askunk at Aahz's birthday party. But every time I saw her I figured it was agreat excuse for a very long hug. And she sure didn't seem to mind, either. Tanda was a former assassin and member of the guild. I wasn't sure whatshe did now besides shop and go on adventures. What's more, I didn't reallywant to know. We were friends, and that was enough for me. Aahz cleared his throat after far too short a time in her wonderfulhug. He did seem to mind that she didn't mind. Oh, well. I still believedshe liked me better than him, and that was all that mattered. She pushed me back and looked at me sternly, her wonderful eyes glaringat me with mock anger. "Why didn't you tell me you had bought a treasure map?" "Actually, I was going to when we stopped for the night," I said with ashrug, "but then the game and you getting captured and everything sort ofpushed the map out of my mind." "So do you remember how many dimensions before Jahk you bought it?" sheasked. I knew exactly how many, since I had done the disguises in everydimension on the trip. "Three," I said. "You're absolutely sure?" Aahz asked, his golden eyes staring at melike they were about to shoot daggers. I held up my hand. "Jahk, the dimension with the Big Game." I pointed at my thumb. Tanda nodded and Aahz just glared, his expression of annoyance makingme take my time. "Counting backwards," I said, pointing at my index finger, "thedimension before that was where we had to look like a form of three-nosedpigs." I wiggled my index finger at both of them. Tanda nodded. "Yeah, fun place." "Not really," I said. Aahz's glare got deeper, so I went on. "Before that was the dimension where we had to be eight feet tall andhave three legs." I pointed at my middle finger. Tanda laughed. "That was a fun dimension, too. Wasn't it?" It hadn't been, since walking on three legs is something that is afactor harder than trying to fly by flapping your arms and jumping off acliff. But I ignored her this time and went on. I pointed to my next finger. "Dimension where we had to be four feet tall and where I bought themap." I held up the three fingers. "That many in front of the gamedimension." I wanted to add that I could go over them again if Aahz wanted, but hewas clearly not happy at me, so I didn't offer. Tanda smiled. "I thought so. Mini." "So what's so special about that dimension?" I asked. It hadn't seemed like much to me, although Tanda had not wanted to staylong there on our shopping trip. "Actually," Aahz said, "it makes this map more likely to be real." "Almost certain." Tanda laughed. "You're kidding?" I asked. "You really think there is a golden cow outthere?" "I didn't say that," Aahz said. "I just said the map was likely to bereal." I frowned and Tanda laughed. "Mini is populated by Minikins, who have this awful power of nevertelling a lie about anything. They do not do well at the Bazaar at Deva, forobvious reasons." "But what happens if the guy who sold it to me wasn't a Minikin?" "If he had been there for more than a day, he had to tell the truthabout the map as well. That's why we got out of there so fast. Truth is nota good influence when you are shopping." At that I had no first hand knowledge, but I figured Tanda was theexpert. "Come on," she said to Aahz. "Dig out the map. We're wasting time.Let's do this." "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Aahz asked as he pulled outthe parchment, unfolded it, and put it on the bed so all three of us couldlook at it. I had no idea what I was looking at, but Tanda seemed to. She pointedat the upper left corner. "That's Minikin's Dimension." Even I knew that, since it was labeled Mini. "So we start there?" Aahz nodded. So did Tanda, for which I was grateful. If they bothagreed, at least we had something solid. Tanda ran her finger along the only line leading from Minikin. It endedat a dot that was labeled Vortex #1. She studied that for a moment, thenglanced at Aahz. "You have any idea what that means? Or where it's at?" "Not a clue," he said. Now I was stunned. It wasn't often that my mentor admitted he didn'tknow something. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time that it hadhappened, if ever. I wanted to point that out to him, but this just didn'tseem to be the right time, so I went back to studying the map. I could see that on the map Vortex #1 had six lines leading off to sixunlabeled points on the paper. And lines leading off of each of those pointsto other vortex dots. There were seven more vortexes listed, and a big "x"marking the cow in the lower right corner of the map. Only one line leadfrom Vortex #8 to the cow. It was clear that there was no straight line from Mini to the cow. Andno right path. From the looks of it, we could go any of a dozen differentways, through different points labeled vortexes, taking different lines. Ifnothing else, this was going to be an interesting puzzle. Aahz had told me that dimension-hopping was dangerous because a personcould hop to an unknown dimension and never get back. I wondered now howsafe it was going to be following a map through some of these dimensions,especially when even the map was confusing. "Well," Tanda said, turning to Aahz. "It looks like we're going to needsome more help if we're going to find this golden beast." Aahz looked at her and then slowly shook his head. "You can't be thinking what I think you're thinking." "I'm thinking it," she said. "No!" Aahz said, his voice firm. I knew for a fact that when he said nolike that there was no changing his mind. "Yes," Tanda said, smiling at him with a smile that could melt abelt-buckle right off a guy's pants. She reached up and touched one of thegreen scales on his cheek. "No," Aahz said, but this time it wasn't as firm. Not even a Prevectcould stand up against Tanda's charms. "Yes," she said, turning the smile up one more notch and strokingAahz's green neck just below his ear. I was glad she wasn't doing that to me. As it was, just watching I wasalmost a puddle on the floor. And I didn't even know what they were arguingabout. Aahz wasn't faring much better. He shook his head, then said, "It's amistake." "How else are we going to find what dimension to jump to from Minikin?" She stroked his cheek and then moved right up against him. No sentient male being could have withstood that attack. Aahz didn't. I was sweating hard just watching. Much more and I would need to changeinto one of my clean shirts. "All right," he said, his voice so soft I could almost not hear it. But trust me, this is a mistake." "Oh, we're not showing anyone the map," Tanda said, moving away fromAahz and turning down her convincing body language and smile to a normallevel. Both Aahz and I took a deep breath. "Then why?" Aahz asked. "We're just going to find out what, or where a vortex is?" Tanda said. I couldn't stand it any longer. "Would someone please tell me what this is all about?" "No," Aahz said. He picked up the map, then took me by the arm and stepped over besideTanda. A moment later we were in the Bazaar at Deva. Copyright © by Robert Asprinhttp://www.meishamerlin.com/Myth-IonImprobableExcerpt.html